Working mama guilt

Date night!

This weekend my husband and I went to a concert and spent the night in Boston. It was such an amazing time; to feel free and let go of all responsibility for one night and selfishly self-indulge. When your a mom, you constantly put everyone before you, and this night was all about me. Yes, I drank too much. Yes, I ate too much. Yes, I stayed up well past my bedtime. I repeat, it was AMAZING!

So why don’t I do this more often?

This was the third time in three years that we left the kids for an overnight. Part of the issue is finding someone we trust to watch the kids, then there is finding someone who has the muster to handle our two children, and lastly, I have this overwhelming feeling of guilt. That straight up, yucky, turn your stomach sour, self-hatred, bad mama, guilt.
Why? Because I’m a working mama. I feel that I’ve already asked too much of my children by working 40 hours a week. Does anyone else struggle with this? I feel like this is the working mama paradigm. On one hand, you work because you need to be financially responsible, find some sort of self-identity that is more than wiping butt and because, lets be honest with ourselves, you need a break. But on the other hand you feel guilty. You feel guilty that being a mom is not enough and you need something more. You feel guilty that you secretly enjoy that quiet ride to work or that built in lunch break. You feel guilty that you leave your kids with someone else for the majority of the week.

I carry all this guilt with me.

I carry all this guilt with me everyday and by adding a date night into the equation, it’s just too much guilt for me to handle. I know I need to make time for myself and for my marriage, and I do, about once a year. Is it as often as I want it to be? No. But is it something that I can handle right now? Yes. I know the working mama guilt will subside once my kids are in school so for now I need to just relish in the amazing night I had in Boston and dream about next year’s date night.